My soul, heart, and a deck of cards set out on the table. Handle with care.

Usually my posts are filled with a giggle, a rant, an opinion or thought which brings you humor.

 This is not one of those posts.

I have had to think long and hard on how I would approach this entry; it is not easy to want to keep something private yet want to announce it to the world at the same time. It is the epitome of a double edged sword - keeping your past in your past but not because you are ashamed of it, but because you are scared to death what people will think.

Before I go on, there are people who are going to wonder why in the hell I chose this type of forum as a means to air my 'laundry' so to speak. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be a 'take me as I am - okay, take me how I should be - okay, how do you want me to be - know what? SCREW YOU I AM WHAT I AM' personality. One of my biggest faults is that I am too full of pride sometimes for my own good, never know when to ask for help, and build walls so thick a sledgehammer of Transformer quality proportions could not break through. The following post is by NO MEANS a justification for my past - I owe no one that. I am at a point in my life finally where honestly, I couldn't give a rats ass less what some may think of me, and will know who is truly worthy of remaining in my life should they take the attitude which caused this wall to go up and be built in the first place - that of attitudes of anger, resentment, and hostility that I was just too young to deal with at the time. This is my attempt at finally breaking down a part of a wall that I have had built for almost 24 years, a part that came down yesterday.

I have a daughter who is almost 24 years old that John and I placed for adoption while we were in high school.

Excuse me while I dust off some more of the bricks that just fell......

I know many of you are sitting there, mouth gaped open, with an 'Oh my GOD' expression drawn across your face. Here is the story.

As a know it all teenager, I was, like many teenagers, delusional and quite content in my 'It will never happen to ME' fantasy land. I had actually succumbed myself to the belief that there was actually something wrong with me (or with John) since we had avoided a pregnancy so many times. Surely that was a sign that one of us could not reproduce. Right?

WRONG.

Initially I ignored the missed period, the nausea, the next missed period, the nausea, as simple missed periods and nausea. Remember, I was completely engulfed in "It Will Never Happen To Me" land. "It Will Never Happen To Me" land comes complete with not a lot of weight gain either - research on teenage pregnancies has shown that hiding a pregnancy can actually cause a girl to NOT show. Thanks to the 80's fashions, big bulky sweatshirts and leggings helped. A mysterious stomach bug helped me avoid a bridesmaid dress I no longer fit into. I cannot explain how my cheer leading outfit still fit, albeit to say that thankfully we decided on a sweatshirt as our top. When it finally hit me that I 'probably' was pregnant, I decided to tell my boyfriend, whom many of you know was John. Before I had the chance to work up the courage, he broke up with me. I felt like I was in the middle of some nightmare with the girl telling the boy she is pregnant to keep him.

I didn't tell him, either.

I did everything I normally did with no one knowing - I went to my junior prom. I cheered. I did drama and made a magnificent queen in Once Upon a Mattress. I got my senior pictures taken. I went to the beach. I acted like I hated John in public when my heart broke every time I saw him. I tried to tell my friends. I tried to tell my family. I tried to tell John.

I stopped before the words came out every....single....time.

I didn't even have to research abortion because since I was still living in "It Will Never Happen To Me" land, it was way beyond that point anyway, and I do not know that it was an option even if I weren't residing there. Honestly I cannot tell you what I was thinking, because I was, in retrospect, so delusional the whole time I just didn't believe it was happening. (Research teenage pregnancy and you will see this is common...It is called denial.) I was not, however, so delusional that I thought I would give birth at the prom and all that nonsense, but those girls ARE the reason I began speaking at schools about teen pregnancy for awhile after I graduated. I could have been one. More on that later, though....

It wasn't until the beginning of August 1988 that my secret was finally revealed to my dad - he came and ASKED. I began sobbing hysterically; partially because I was happy to not have to hide any more, but also because I was scared to death at what was going to happen. He asked me if anyone knew. We decided to keep it that way.

My baby was born at 4:44 am on August 16, 1988, about a week before my senior year started. I will never forget seeing her for the first time. I will never forget seeing Johns eyes staring back at me on the most beautiful china doll face I had ever seen. I will never forget counting each of her toes and fingers, smoothing her hair. I will never forget holding her and talking to her, planting in her mind words she did not yet understand how much I loved her and how hard this was for me. I cried because I was at the end of the maternity wing by myself - somehow hidden it felt from all the other new 'moms'. I cried because even though it was a big secret, it hurt to know none of the flowers on the cart were for me. I cried when the staff was informed this was a baby to be 'placed with an agency'. I cried when I had to ask 'permission' to see my own child in the nursery. I cried when they said I couldn't order pictures. I changed my mind. I changed it again. And again. And again.

After I went home, I started counseling where I changed my mind again and again and again a dozen or so more times. My father and I argued with each change of heart, and argued more when the adoption agency told us that since John was over 18, we HAD to get consent. Great, more arguing. My father forbade me to see the horrible creature that 'ruined' his daughter, yet demanded I see him to get him to try and save us - not necessarily sign away a piece of himself.

The night I told John was heartbreaking, and following that heartbreak led to weeks of combined therapy, counseling, and achingly painful visitations. I kept hoping that somewhere I would find the strength to tell everyone where to stick it and take my baby home. Instead, I found the strength, however painful it was, to give her a life I only dreamed of.

The last time I saw her was like a piece of my soul was forever lost. Saying goodbye was like dying a thousand deaths.

I cannot express to anyone who has not experienced it how painful a decision it is to give away your child. I have spent years quietly listening to debates and discussions on the matter, and have screamed at the top of my lungs, in complete silence, for everyone to SHUT THE HELL UP!!!! It is indescribable to be told you have done the most selfless thing ever, yet want to be so selfish by keeping your child, but then feeling selfish for even thinking it.

John and I have spent over 23 years wondering. Wishing. Hoping. Praying. Fighting. Crying. Hoping. Blaming. Healing. I've done therapy. I spoke at area schools for a few years about teenage pregnancy, hoping that maybe talking about what happened to me would help ease the pain. I had two girls approach me afterwards and confess they were pregnant. If I helped more, that's all I can ask. I've sat quietly in the adoption/abortion/teenage pregnancy debate, I have voiced my opinion so loudly that people probably wondered why I was so passionate about it.

We have come full circle - that lost feeling is now gone - my cup runeth over.

I am not going to say who she is for her privacy. My immediate family knows who she is, and that is all that is necessary. My extended family is finding out, some of them now. My friends and acquaintances are now viewing my naked soul which I have willingly thrown into the ring for your viewing pleasure.

I care not what you think - I do care what she thinks. I will tell you she is happy, has a fantastic family, a fabulous life, and is proof that mine and Johns combined DNA can lead to great things.

I ask nothing from her other than what she has already given - that being the opportunity to say "Hello - I am fine - I am happy - thank you for the awesome life you gave me". If that is all she chooses to give, then she has already given me 50 times more than I could have ever wished for.

I ask from all of you to let her be, not message her, allow her the privacy she is entitled to. To my adoption network friends, I will continue to support you all in your searches and still be there for you as you have been there for me.

To my children I say we are now a completely complete family.

To my husband I say I love you. Still. Forever. Always.

To the family, immediate and extended who took my child into their lives as their own and made her who she is, I cannot convey my gratitude to you in 100 lifetimes. It is YOU who were completely selfless in my eyes. YOU are her family, YOU are her parents, and I love you for all you have done.

To my daughter I say we are here for you always, are so proud of who you are, and will wait until the end of time if need be.

Let the future begin.