All I Want For Christmas Is You. Back.

My sweet sweet nephew, Stephen Michael Thornton, made the decision to leave us last Friday evening, December 14th. It has been a horrific week for our family which will culminate in the final goodbye at his memorial service tomorrow.

http://www.orwoodyard.com/obituaries/Stephen-Thornton/

I am simply hearstick.

I lost my uncle to suicide when I was a freshman in High School.  It was a hard loss to bear but even harder without the finality of a memorial service or the chance to say goodbye.  Harder still was knowing I had two cousins I would never know again since my aunt took them from us after his death.

With that, I am not a stranger to the suicide picture.  It never makes sense.  There are never any answers.

This one, however, has just been an exceptional loss that I am having a hard time with.

My daughter Elizabeth was very close to Stephen.  She tried to call him non-stop and text him since she saw the first Facebook post about it Saturday morning.  She was practically frantic by the time we woke up and she informed us of the posts.

SIDENOTE:  PLEASE, TEENAGERS OF OUR TIME - THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.  FACEBOOK IS NOT YOUR IMMEDIATE MOURNING WALL.  GIVE FAMILY TIME TO BE NOTIFIED BEFORE YOU NOTIFY US INADVERTENTLY. 

I have screamed, I have cried, I have laughed, I have cried again.  I am angry, I am hurt, I am heartbroken.

I wrote a letter that I am going to try to read tomorrow, but I do not know if it will happen.  I cried while writing it.  Reading it may help me.

Continue to pray for us.  Our Christmas this year is gone.  They are not ruined.  Stephen loved Christmas, and I will love it for him from here on out.

My Goodbye to Stephen

I am Stephens Aunt Christy.

I remember the first time I met Stephen.  He was only a few days old and was screaming his little lungs out.  I wrapped him up tight, held him close, and rocked him for the next two hours as he slept soundly in my arms.  I told him “I will hug you forever, little peanut – tight as I can.”

All our hugs were ‘take your breath away tighter than tight’ after that.

Stephen liked Chicken nuggets.  He didn’t like much else when he was younger.  One Christmas we told him the ham was chicken just to get him to eat it.  He did.  He said that pink chicken (which was really ham) tasted weird but he liked it anyway.

He could read by 3.  He loved to read to us.  He would tell you the planets names and what all the dinosaurs were called and why some ate plants and some ate meat.  He said they liked chicken the best. He said they did not like vegetables and only ate leaves because they had to.

He loved video games and could master them without hardly any work.  He got angry with me because I was horrible at Mario.  I told him I could kick his butt at pin ball any day.

He loved to rap. Some of his lyrics made me raise an eyebrow and some made me laugh so hard.  He said he could rap about anything and proved it as he rapped about walking around the grocery store with me.  I begged him to stop but I was laughing so hard I could barely get the words out.

He loved to come to my house and when I last talked to him he was looking forward to coming and staying with me for New Years.  He asked if it was okay to come and maybe he could stay a few days.  He knew he was welcome any time. I asked if he wanted me to make anything special – he said nah, just some chicken nuggets.

He loved his brother Thomas and wanted to be just like him.  He loved his siblings. He loved his cousins.  He loved his family.  He loved his friends.  He wore his heart on his sleeve and would have given it to you if you asked.  That boy was so full of love and had so much of it to give.

I have been reading everyone’s words and I look at so many faces and they all have the same question – WHY?  Why are we here today?  Why did this happen?  Why?

I do not have answers for those questions.  I have been searching my soul and asking for answers. I have been angry and cried and screamed.  I have a hole in my heart that will never heal.  Why?  I have to tell myself that we will never have an answer – that the only answer is that Stephen made an impulsive decision that had horrific consequences.  Our choices sometimes seal our fate.  Stephen chose his fate, and although his choice took him away from us far too soon, we have to not blame ourselves, not blame others, and honor the wonderful young man we lost by helping each other. Love each other. Think before we act, but know we can act for others without thinking.  Act in Stephens behalf now.  Step in when you know you have to. Problems are temporary – there is no problem too huge that together we cannot find a solution. Do not think you have no other choice – you ALWAYS have a choice. 

Hug tighter than you ever have.  And if you swear no one will hug you back – call ME.  I will.

I loved my nephew very much. 

I will have chicken nuggets for new years.

I wish I could have that one last hug. 

(Stephen and my daughter Elizabeth. Just the way I remember him - smiling. )